she fought a good fight. but cancer won.

I'm trying really hard to keep a good additude today. But i find that as the day goes by, the minutes seem to go slower and slower and my good mood starts to weaken second by second.

                                     Let me explain


6 years ago today i was sitting in class at HCTC. We were learning about the human body and today was going to be the day we got to dissect differant body parts. My mom had been in and out of the hospital for some time now and it was my morning thing to call her once i got to school to say good morning. The first time i called my dad told me she couldn't talk at that time. So i simply said i would call back later. About this time of day, i decided to call back.
Something was wrong. I could tell by my father's voice. He said she wasn't able to talk and i asked if everything was okay.
He paused.
"No hunny. Not really."
That sentence was the one that started my day from hell. I freaked. I had to get home. I needed to be with my Mother. I needed to save the day. My teacher quickly got a sub, i hugged my friends good-bye and we were on our way to the island. When i got home, my dad and my finace were there. We got in the truck and went to the hospital. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. A lot of crying, praying, hugging and telling my mom how much i loved her and how beautiful she was. She wasn't really responisve and the look of her was scary. But at one point, as i held her hand and told her she was beautiful, she snapped out of it and said, "i know." She kept her humor even through death.
                          The day came and went very slowly. Night skys came. My man went to karate and told me to call if he needed me. We just basically sat and waited. Watching her struggle to breath killed me. i hated to say it, but i wanted her to let go. To stop struggling. Go and be with Jesus. If i couldn't have my mother who was healthy and happy... i didn't want to see her suffer like this.
A few minutes before 7 my father got up from her side and went to the bathroom. I sat in his chair and held her hand. The rest of the family talking and crying. Thinking of happy times. My mother always brought that out in people. She always had family around and laughing. This was how she wanted to leave the world. With her loved ones by side and happy. The happy stories continued. My father came out of the restroom and told me to continue holding her hand. Everybody was caught up in a funny story when i noticed my mom wasn't struggling to breath anymore. I was the only one to notice. I checked for a pulse, starting to freak out. I couldn't feel one. was i looking in the right spot? I had to of been... i was in school to be a CNA. this was what we'd been learning. Freaking out now, i kept looking for one. My uncle Rick noticed what i was doing and came over. He checked the other arm for one and told Denise to "get the nurse, Dot took her last breath."

                          I ran. i didn't know where i was going or what i was doing. my mom was gone. she left. she was GONE. Cancer got her. i ran down the hall to the little waiting room. dialed richard and fell to the couch and cried. i cried and cried. she was gone.


                                       6:58 pm my mother went to heaven...



I'm trying to keep a smile on today




                                                                but it's hard. i miss her.